why vicky why?

same old shit again.. its getting old man.

at first ill blame those who claim to be my friends.. then i realise.. they are not the ones at fault..

its me..

its my fault for thinking the way i think..

its my fault for expecting too much from others

like i said before

there are people who seek a conversation...and those who wait for a conversation.

i guess im a seeker... 

it makes me feel like im needy..one big attention seeking motherfather gentleman..but no its fine.

i must accept this.

BECAUSE

if i try to wait for a conversation,....ill be more sad/paranoid/irritated....

i mean if u were born to start then why not rite? y get emo over something ur not?

i really need to shake off the reliance on others to notice me lah.. in short.. people whom i think i care the most, i feel close too, they may or may not leave u in the end...

so why not just enjoy the ride while it lasts rite???

WHY am i constantly sad.affected by when nobody notices or talks to me :(

intentionally not talking...so as to let someone start.. only to be disappointed time and time and time again....

STOP hurting urself leh ikhy.. not worth it... 

stop telling urself u need ur friends attention all the time..... cannot rely on people emotionally too much ..

that being said.. i guess what im looking for is technically not a gf per se...but rather more of the companion time of person.

One i can confide in and tell my troubles without getting judge... i guess i lack this now it seems..
or maybe i know of people who are trying to do so..but im just not letting them in ;(

so main problem: dont expect things to happen when u dont know anythhing....

                           life is much better if u start.. who cares if ur friend aint bother to talk to you... the have their own lives rite.. cant tell them shit. 

OKays new plan: 1) stop trying so hard... maybe tell them once twice ur opinion..dont get too involved..

                            2) stop hurting urself can :(L(

easy to say ,,,but hard to do...

k thanks bye

ikhy vicky never learns

21 years... same story.same old bullshit..
one thing i always ask myself.. am i that expendable?
dont i deserve to have that one friend that checks on me on his/her own... without me starting a convo or whatnot.
I mean god , is it that hard, is my request that hard to be fulfilled?
I know id do anything for my friends.. and yes i admit sometimes my good deeds are left to be returned to me one way or another..but most times.. i help because its me...
BUT really, what about me? why must i be the initiater, why isnt there anyone out there who cares enough to to find me? am i really ridiculous in asking this? am i being selfish?
It hurts when u dont talk to ur friends, and they dont find you... and life to them carries on as per normal..its like im a negligible existance, a mere dot at the back of peoples minds?

I always believe im a victim of fate. Im always fighting my way up. obstacle after obstacle. and everytime i think ive weathered the storm, fate brings me back down again.

a lesser mine, a weaker person would not have lasted, would have ended it all.
but not me...
im stronger then this... i will emo now and then ... but ill press on.
hoping one day that light in the tunnel finally appears. pieces of the puzzle that is my life will be complete.
Till then, struggle i must, with this life of mediocrity.
its a lonely path that i chose to take.. its one i should accept..

BUT how long can i continue living like this..
mind over emotions i guess :(

FATBOY ON E BUS

again..someting happened in a 174 bus on d way home todae..
i was happily sitting alone playing fifa 10..
teres tis fat teenage guy..sitting on d seat in front of me.
he happened to be watching astroboy on his ipod.

alls well, i was seriously minding my own business...but tat fat boy kept looking back at me..sometimes looking at me through d glass windows...
at first i didnt noe wat was going on...but when he shifted himself n blocked my view from his ipod..i knew..HE TOT I WAS WATCHING ASTRO BOY BEHIND HIS BACK!!!
zzzzz..wtheck?? i didnt bother ah so i continued playing fifa...

this continued throughout d entire journey..
got once he knew i didnt bother to look..so he set sideways...so tat his ipod is like damn obvious to me... WEIRD GUY....

seen so many things on e bus tis would be my 2nd weird one...d 1st is obviously tat woman who was watching porn on her handphone in e 99 bus...ZZZ..d tings people are willing to do to keep from falling asleep in d bus


anyways i tot of wat man utd jersey to buy next year...d shortlisted names are
ROONEY (wooo...fav player siah)
ORbetan ( y is he so damn good...if he gets better i just might)
OWen (surprise surprise..i finally may consider donning d no 7 jersey )

i made a BAD decision todae....
after guitar practice...i really wanted a drink..n im gonna drink it on d bus while i read chem...so...
i went to dhoby to take 174....in my mind i wanted to buy either a slurpy or a big gulp...
then while i wasking i saw tis starbucks ad..n i damn tempted to buy...!! n

N I DECIDED to BUY!!! telling myself d money spent will be worth it...so i walked towards d cathay starbucks..cause ps ws DAMN FULL!! i ordered d usual chocolate chip cream....then as i was waiting for my order..i saw d person making my drink..HE WAS A TRAINEE!!! GASPS!!!...
but NO!! i decided to nt ting too much....like WAT COULD POSSIBLY GO RONG..
n d trainee keep asking his fren alot of questions....i got worried.....
n when i got d drink..guess wat.....................

IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG#$*#(% 8 bucks gone..
there was more ice then choc chips.....n u noe wats d worse part is??
when i reached jp after d long 174 bus ride..i still had to go to abc to get another drink.. zzz
so yeah in total...todae almost 10 BUucks spent on drinks...n my thirst wasnt quenched.. sian

i restringed bloody delilah todae..n guess wat/....d 1st string broke..again..zzzz
i guess i cannot avoid d trip to penin.....n i can get my boxers too....zzz

i emptied my wallet..i realized i had 5 free small fries coupons..n d last day to redeem was yesterday!!!! y ahh..y todae so sway ah lol

tis week ..my dreams are all damn interesting
yesterday i dreamt it was 2 days to d end of the world.....n its nt d 2012 kind..worse
d sun became less brighter..or there was someting big blocking it... volcanoes start erupting out of nowhere.. n d best part..demons start appearing..creating havoc all over
in tat dream i was damn emo tat d world was ending..cause i knew i was going to hell...n 2 days wasnt enough to repent 4 my sins...makes me thing...when am i going to repent??

anyways..tonites dream better be awesome...heh

mugging supposedly starts todae...but thanks to d rain n d many errands i hv to run....i didnt even touch a book...im so proud of myself...NOT!!! at least i achieved someting though...i actually went to run in d morning...HAHAHAH!!! it felt awesome...at least d nap after d run was...going to run everyday...n keep promising myself i wont get 2 months extra NS..WOOTS

anyways..i really feel like eating lasagne....my aunt made it yest....but it gt owned b4 i even had a chance to taste...so maybe fri i'll go pizza hut or someting..just to eat...sigh.....me n my cravings n u noe wat.. GILETTE FUSION POWER BLADE REFILLS CAUSE 28bucks!!! OMG....WTF@(&#(@#
y couldnt they have just sold one blade..n not 5..zzzz ..so bloody ex ah....
ive decided to just let my beard grow...look like some macho man..then d day before school, i'll like take a photo for memories.N SHAVE IT ALL OFF !!!! heh..unless i look good..Imagine siah..d more matured looking ikhy...doing..childish stuff..some riot siah :)

anyways...if u happen to read tis..i hope u do... (its 4 two people btw)
to person 1: facebook really screwed any chances of us actually talking to each other again...
i was dumb, like seriously... n now i really want to make tings rite again..so
please...let me
to person 2: cant u seriously take a hint? just give up on me will yah...yes its obvious even i hu is
dumb notice too...im nt interested ..like really...its not u..its me..im soo stubborn nt
give up...so please...just go...

person 2 reminds me of how i really felt all d time...liking someone...but seeing tat someone ignoring u..but ive come to terms tat its life....live with it...