why vicky why?

same old shit again.. its getting old man.

at first ill blame those who claim to be my friends.. then i realise.. they are not the ones at fault..

its me..

its my fault for thinking the way i think..

its my fault for expecting too much from others

like i said before

there are people who seek a conversation...and those who wait for a conversation.

i guess im a seeker... 

it makes me feel like im needy..one big attention seeking motherfather gentleman..but no its fine.

i must accept this.

BECAUSE

if i try to wait for a conversation,....ill be more sad/paranoid/irritated....

i mean if u were born to start then why not rite? y get emo over something ur not?

i really need to shake off the reliance on others to notice me lah.. in short.. people whom i think i care the most, i feel close too, they may or may not leave u in the end...

so why not just enjoy the ride while it lasts rite???

WHY am i constantly sad.affected by when nobody notices or talks to me :(

intentionally not talking...so as to let someone start.. only to be disappointed time and time and time again....

STOP hurting urself leh ikhy.. not worth it... 

stop telling urself u need ur friends attention all the time..... cannot rely on people emotionally too much ..

that being said.. i guess what im looking for is technically not a gf per se...but rather more of the companion time of person.

One i can confide in and tell my troubles without getting judge... i guess i lack this now it seems..
or maybe i know of people who are trying to do so..but im just not letting them in ;(

so main problem: dont expect things to happen when u dont know anythhing....

                           life is much better if u start.. who cares if ur friend aint bother to talk to you... the have their own lives rite.. cant tell them shit. 

OKays new plan: 1) stop trying so hard... maybe tell them once twice ur opinion..dont get too involved..

                            2) stop hurting urself can :(L(

easy to say ,,,but hard to do...

k thanks bye

ikhy vicky never learns

21 years... same story.same old bullshit..
one thing i always ask myself.. am i that expendable?
dont i deserve to have that one friend that checks on me on his/her own... without me starting a convo or whatnot.
I mean god , is it that hard, is my request that hard to be fulfilled?
I know id do anything for my friends.. and yes i admit sometimes my good deeds are left to be returned to me one way or another..but most times.. i help because its me...
BUT really, what about me? why must i be the initiater, why isnt there anyone out there who cares enough to to find me? am i really ridiculous in asking this? am i being selfish?
It hurts when u dont talk to ur friends, and they dont find you... and life to them carries on as per normal..its like im a negligible existance, a mere dot at the back of peoples minds?

I always believe im a victim of fate. Im always fighting my way up. obstacle after obstacle. and everytime i think ive weathered the storm, fate brings me back down again.

a lesser mine, a weaker person would not have lasted, would have ended it all.
but not me...
im stronger then this... i will emo now and then ... but ill press on.
hoping one day that light in the tunnel finally appears. pieces of the puzzle that is my life will be complete.
Till then, struggle i must, with this life of mediocrity.
its a lonely path that i chose to take.. its one i should accept..

BUT how long can i continue living like this..
mind over emotions i guess :(

FATBOY ON E BUS

again..someting happened in a 174 bus on d way home todae..
i was happily sitting alone playing fifa 10..
teres tis fat teenage guy..sitting on d seat in front of me.
he happened to be watching astroboy on his ipod.

alls well, i was seriously minding my own business...but tat fat boy kept looking back at me..sometimes looking at me through d glass windows...
at first i didnt noe wat was going on...but when he shifted himself n blocked my view from his ipod..i knew..HE TOT I WAS WATCHING ASTRO BOY BEHIND HIS BACK!!!
zzzzz..wtheck?? i didnt bother ah so i continued playing fifa...

this continued throughout d entire journey..
got once he knew i didnt bother to look..so he set sideways...so tat his ipod is like damn obvious to me... WEIRD GUY....

seen so many things on e bus tis would be my 2nd weird one...d 1st is obviously tat woman who was watching porn on her handphone in e 99 bus...ZZZ..d tings people are willing to do to keep from falling asleep in d bus


anyways i tot of wat man utd jersey to buy next year...d shortlisted names are
ROONEY (wooo...fav player siah)
ORbetan ( y is he so damn good...if he gets better i just might)
OWen (surprise surprise..i finally may consider donning d no 7 jersey )

i made a BAD decision todae....
after guitar practice...i really wanted a drink..n im gonna drink it on d bus while i read chem...so...
i went to dhoby to take 174....in my mind i wanted to buy either a slurpy or a big gulp...
then while i wasking i saw tis starbucks ad..n i damn tempted to buy...!! n

N I DECIDED to BUY!!! telling myself d money spent will be worth it...so i walked towards d cathay starbucks..cause ps ws DAMN FULL!! i ordered d usual chocolate chip cream....then as i was waiting for my order..i saw d person making my drink..HE WAS A TRAINEE!!! GASPS!!!...
but NO!! i decided to nt ting too much....like WAT COULD POSSIBLY GO RONG..
n d trainee keep asking his fren alot of questions....i got worried.....
n when i got d drink..guess wat.....................

IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG#$*#(% 8 bucks gone..
there was more ice then choc chips.....n u noe wats d worse part is??
when i reached jp after d long 174 bus ride..i still had to go to abc to get another drink.. zzz
so yeah in total...todae almost 10 BUucks spent on drinks...n my thirst wasnt quenched.. sian

i restringed bloody delilah todae..n guess wat/....d 1st string broke..again..zzzz
i guess i cannot avoid d trip to penin.....n i can get my boxers too....zzz

i emptied my wallet..i realized i had 5 free small fries coupons..n d last day to redeem was yesterday!!!! y ahh..y todae so sway ah lol

tis week ..my dreams are all damn interesting
yesterday i dreamt it was 2 days to d end of the world.....n its nt d 2012 kind..worse
d sun became less brighter..or there was someting big blocking it... volcanoes start erupting out of nowhere.. n d best part..demons start appearing..creating havoc all over
in tat dream i was damn emo tat d world was ending..cause i knew i was going to hell...n 2 days wasnt enough to repent 4 my sins...makes me thing...when am i going to repent??

anyways..tonites dream better be awesome...heh

mugging supposedly starts todae...but thanks to d rain n d many errands i hv to run....i didnt even touch a book...im so proud of myself...NOT!!! at least i achieved someting though...i actually went to run in d morning...HAHAHAH!!! it felt awesome...at least d nap after d run was...going to run everyday...n keep promising myself i wont get 2 months extra NS..WOOTS

anyways..i really feel like eating lasagne....my aunt made it yest....but it gt owned b4 i even had a chance to taste...so maybe fri i'll go pizza hut or someting..just to eat...sigh.....me n my cravings n u noe wat.. GILETTE FUSION POWER BLADE REFILLS CAUSE 28bucks!!! OMG....WTF@(&#(@#
y couldnt they have just sold one blade..n not 5..zzzz ..so bloody ex ah....
ive decided to just let my beard grow...look like some macho man..then d day before school, i'll like take a photo for memories.N SHAVE IT ALL OFF !!!! heh..unless i look good..Imagine siah..d more matured looking ikhy...doing..childish stuff..some riot siah :)

anyways...if u happen to read tis..i hope u do... (its 4 two people btw)
to person 1: facebook really screwed any chances of us actually talking to each other again...
i was dumb, like seriously... n now i really want to make tings rite again..so
please...let me
to person 2: cant u seriously take a hint? just give up on me will yah...yes its obvious even i hu is
dumb notice too...im nt interested ..like really...its not u..its me..im soo stubborn nt
give up...so please...just go...

person 2 reminds me of how i really felt all d time...liking someone...but seeing tat someone ignoring u..but ive come to terms tat its life....live with it...

yesterday was official...it was my most emo day yet....
i mean who knew...d most of d arts classes didnt have to come school todae...d cc was like....half empty?? i prayed i didnt go to school in vain....n even after scripture reading n announcements...she didnt show up......from there on..really siah...my mood went from high to low.....ultimate mission failed....i guess...

then teres lectures...because of that, i didnt really listen to any lectures....n wthell d lectures todae wer redundant lah...really shoudnt have come..zzz

n wait psle results was released..yest....my nephew didnt do so well...im actually happy bout tat.....but how can psle lead to my emo day read on....
i was like walking mindlessly in jp...then i saw this mother scolding a primary school gal..probably 4 results...its nt so much the scolding tat saddened me..but wen i saw d result slip... i remembered my o level results....Tats wer i emoed....zzz

lastly.... eve of hari raya feast at my house...its an annual ting...n its suppose to be happy.......
but then....so many people coudnt make it...my best cousiezzs family went overseas....d rest had work or class...then d rest of us like emo while eating rendang n curry...WHO D HELL would be sad eating lah...sian

u noe if i ever get to d social interview question wer if i could turn back time..where would i go...
i now really realize wer i need to go back......

heyhey..im nt pissed at d person anymore...actually i dont bother..so yeah...unlocked d dead blog again...n obviously deleted many insulting posts :) so heres stuff tat happened to me last week
1.bought muse tickets hhahahahaha..
2.read 5 books in a day....i was bored..


yay rite...life really is getting boring now
n n i havent plan on how to go about asking...its like 4 more days left of school...n if i dont ask...i probably will never get a chance again,....sian

U know what... It's really good to finally start school without having to burden the weight of promos... I can really let loose and pay attention in chem lec for once... :). But u know what? I got caught for hair today.. I'm speechless.. Like my hair is really short, n I 4gt to shave... N that screwed me up... Damn sian... So yes I'm going to cut l hair today... Screw my planes of cutting it a week b4 op...zzzz. Btw... I may not be buying a Les Paul next year... My com has to die this month... N my father ain't doing anything bout it lah...

crashed alvin's house yest....had to do wr..n my com lost its internet connection and it always didnt have microsoft 2007. N yes, i did 50% of wat i needed to do for wr...n i feel damn good....all thats left is to redo strategy 2, as well as to find more pictures...awesome man

anyways, mr yuen went through abit of the physics paper 2...from what i remembered, i thing i did not bad SO FAR..hopefully get at least e ah....... save me abit face....

im still unsure of sat...should i go or should i not....i know if i asked my mum then she wou;d let me....but d problem is me.....would i be too emo on sat and spoil d entire mood..cheryl n desmond planned liao then if because of my emoness then everything spoil how..zzzz

Back to black....

okay maintenance done....
y d long wait..main reason because of promos...n then pw......
apparently i gave up finding a nice skin.. CAUSE THEY KEEP GETTING BANNED...zzz

so anyways...break down on how promos was for me
gp: not bad.....can pass i thing...hope to get a b or c
econs : tak yah harap ah. ultimate mugger got a u wat makes me thing i would pass
math: i seriously hope to get a c or b for this....but from what mr adi said....im in for a
disappointment
CHem: zzzz....if i retain...this would be the main reason why....FCUK
Phy: You know what, i thing i can actually pass this..HAHAHAHAH

okay so now im like just praying for d retain news to just come without hurting me much....or mayb it wont ever come..lol

N PW sucks... u noe on thursday teres tis op workshop, where all groups had to present their pw project, the night before i took time to prepare skits for my teammates, n way b4 that started on d ppt slides....I even made cuecards for myself...skali at the moment i was presenting, d cards failed me and i totally became some dumb quiet idiot in front of everyone lah... so emo that i didnt have d courage d questions...n adding insult to injury...d farah person was like telling ajay, melle serene that they were d ones that did most of d work..cause like i said..i was some dumb quiet idiot during d qna.......life sucks...


next week is results week....donno whether to anticipate or dread...i promised myself to nt tell me parents d results b4 sat...or i would nt be able to go to d 4e1 gathering...zzz

SITE UNDER MAINTENANCE...stupid photobucket n banning d pics for 85 days...
n damn copyrite issues....DAMN U ALLL!!!!!!
anyways will be up and running by next week

omg... Tmr is d start of starvation... Um gonna die... Nah just kidding.. I'm gonna lose alot of weight... Like alot.. Damn I'm gonna miss PE... YEAH RItE!!! LOL... And here's something funny for everyone.. I practically got all the fail I can possibly get for physics... So d law of averages state that I can only start passing now... HaHAHAHA... I'm more optimistic on promoting now then a week ago...

Interesting first game for man utd.. They actually won... LOL owen almost scored damn wasted.... Man utd still abit weak without ron... But they are coping... Sure can win title again.
Anyways next week.starts e fasting month... Wah I'm probably gonna die of hunger lah school so far how to reach home by 7 lol...

national day yest....at 8.22pm i wasnt expecting to say the pledge...then out of nowhere my whole family dragged me to d iving room to say d pledge...lol

im almost done wit phy revision...tmr finish chpt 4 n read practical can liao.
for maths i finally done d e lecture. turns out i wouldnt miss much....BUT..nt taking any chances.
I have a positive attitude towards msas now...i hope i don screw it up

N MAN UTD LOST D COMMUNITY SHIELD.....i mean chelsea were good...but d referee abit biased leh...damn it...evra so distraught by the incident he cant even take the penalty propery...damn sadded lah...
but looking at man utd without ronaldo...not bad siah....just have to have more stamina...man utd can win titlle tis season...WOOTS!!!

damn tis week is so damn packed lah...eom and essay n stuff..+ senior farewell....im just thanking my lucky stars my post isnt as important,,cause looking at timo and lionel,..they have to plan like mad....
MSA's next WEEK!!!....im 40% prepared.n im still blown by common test results....BUT....im not gonna screw myself anymore....i'll make sure of that...im not going to retain.......SUMPAH!!

anyways...love d i love singapore board...u noe y?? cause somebody actually rote ter...MALAYSIA BOLEH!! WTSHIT MAN...damn random lah... of course d board has other stuff...but the malaysia one...damn random lah!!

i simply cant imagine how tat one mistake i made in march is like exponentially not ending at all..i mean,...i read blogs...HELLO!!....
i get what u mean..maybe i don...but i really hope d clouds will clear...n all shall be revealed

Yesterday... Exco interview.. Its a mix of funny and nervous siah. Before I went in I told myself don laugh.. Then I entered the room.. D seniors was like smiling.. I saw szewees face.. I cannot help but laugh...Hahahaha. Throughout d whole ting I was like nervous??? Some questions I answered funny stuff.. But that didn't really help... Overall I thing I did okay lah... So now it's up to d seniors to determine whether I will be part of the espada LOL... Decided not to go school todae cause of hay fever.. Todae morning it subsided like siao lah... So hopefully later d doc don give 7 day emcee... I can't afford to miss school

That was an emo post....
on d lighter side....SWEET CHILD O' MINE
wat can i say
92% completed??lol....stupid sweeping part...how "easy can it get siah

anyways...bracing myself for d u grades tmr..sigh...

smile for the camera people....see..tats d problem aint it..i cant smile no more, as in smile a sincere smile, im like 20% more to becoming paranoid+depressed.
Maybe I should see a doctor, i donno wat will he say
"ohh ur just thinking to much.just let go"
tats d other problem..i cant..can i?
im starting to realize my life in msn is purely almost non-existent..
people wont talk to me just for fun.....
u noe heres someting for everyone
I FREAKING HATE it when u people act nice when u one my help..being nice
and when u gt nting else, i would just be left there a contact under d (dont care dont bother list)
sigh...see paranoia....i hate it..like really....

MAybe I'll take a month hiatus from MSN....yeah get tings out of my head....pretend i gt people wanting to talk to me but cant because im offline.yeah tat ought to do it....one month starts tmr.....no coming online unless its for PW...

step into my shoes...look at it my way....maybe u'll feel what i feel....
if u've been watching friends now..im like joey..I have his problem
tat problem stays till i die i guess....


SO YEAH...gd bye MSN....see u next month
now starts the ever painful process of letting go.....