ikhy vicky never learns

21 years... same story.same old bullshit..
one thing i always ask myself.. am i that expendable?
dont i deserve to have that one friend that checks on me on his/her own... without me starting a convo or whatnot.
I mean god , is it that hard, is my request that hard to be fulfilled?
I know id do anything for my friends.. and yes i admit sometimes my good deeds are left to be returned to me one way or another..but most times.. i help because its me...
BUT really, what about me? why must i be the initiater, why isnt there anyone out there who cares enough to to find me? am i really ridiculous in asking this? am i being selfish?
It hurts when u dont talk to ur friends, and they dont find you... and life to them carries on as per normal..its like im a negligible existance, a mere dot at the back of peoples minds?

I always believe im a victim of fate. Im always fighting my way up. obstacle after obstacle. and everytime i think ive weathered the storm, fate brings me back down again.

a lesser mine, a weaker person would not have lasted, would have ended it all.
but not me...
im stronger then this... i will emo now and then ... but ill press on.
hoping one day that light in the tunnel finally appears. pieces of the puzzle that is my life will be complete.
Till then, struggle i must, with this life of mediocrity.
its a lonely path that i chose to take.. its one i should accept..

BUT how long can i continue living like this..
mind over emotions i guess :(